I don’t know about you, but ever since early July, I have been hit with one challenge after another. I like to call them “life lessons” because I believe any challenge is placed in our path for us to gain knowledge, or at the very least, awareness, of how we are complicit in the process of inviting it into our life. Some are ugly, some are funny, some are so fraught with stress I thought a couple of times I was going to lose my mind. This last time, I actually wondered if I was going to die from it.
Through it all, however, I always maintained the sense of wonder. I wondered why I was making one experience so hard for me to overcome. I wondered why I was struggling with getting back into the flow of life. I wondered if I’d done something to create a karmic payback or if my vibration was simply rising high enough that I had to shed the last remnants of old patterns before I could move forward, and upwards. Argh. The struggles were difficult. I found myself bemoaning the fact that nothing has gone right for months and I hadn’t figured out why just yet.
In truth, everything was going right. Right along the path I had created to experience this release, to learn the lessons and to become a better version of me in the process. We only grow when we are learning and oh boy, did I set myself to learn some hard and fast lessons. Let me explain.
It all started with an RV
As long time readers know, I care for a loved one with Alzheimer’s Disease. As the sole caregiver, it falls on me to keep him safe. What I needed to learn, albeit the hard way, is it is not up to me to keep him happy. Further, it is not up to me to give him so much of my energy that I become depleted and ill because I have nothing left to give.
In truth, I was setting myself for a heart attack and most likely an early demise if I didn’t change course. In retrospect, nothing can go right if you’re headed down the wrong path. That is how we know to stop, look at what we are doing to create the mess, and take steps to correct it. Believe me, the minute you find the courage to do so, you will be given many positive signs that you are back on track. Life will begin to flow again. You will find your joy and your voice again.
Here’s what I know for certain because I just experienced it.
Because of my work with the Angelic Realm, I have the blessings to be able to ask them for guidance. Because I am also human, I sometimes forget. My bad.
The stars collided on top of me
July was the Mercury Retrograde time period. Mercury is the planet that guides communication and that can affect contracts, electronics, and of course, all forms of communications. When Mercury goes into retrograde, misunderstandings can lead to arguments and major disagreements. It can also lead one to make choices that might create intense stress and unhappiness.
These misunderstandings can also bring about greater lessons in seeing what needs to change in order for you to get back on track to your higher awareness and growth. Uncomfortable, yes indeed. Necessary? Sometimes. It was for me in any case.
Back to the RV. My loved one wanted to see his best friend that lived in another state. His friends health was challenged and the idea of having a reunion with him became a focus for him to become excited about. However, for me, the logistics became a big issue.
An 8 hour road trip was not something he could tolerate well, so I asked the Angels about an RV so we could stop anytime he’d had his limit of over stimulation from traveling. It seemed the best possible solution to get him to the visit and back with as little stress as possible. The hunt for the right size RV was on, and after many hours of searching, contacting sellers, ruling most of them out for one reason or another I settled on a larger one than I was comfortable driving because it would meet his needs.
My comfort level was pushed aside, I felt I had the knowledge and confidence to figure it out. What mattered to me was being able to get him to see his buddy, to give him this last visit in person for both of them, and to have it done in a safe and comfortable way that he could manage without too much stress on changing his environment.
Lesson # 1 – Never disregard yourself in the equation when making decisions. Doing so puts you outside of the flow of your life and signals the body and mind you have no regard for what you need. This will invite illness.
In order to get us on the road, I was going to need a tow car for travel when we got to our destination. This was not an easy task. I prefer smaller cars but he needed a larger SUV or Minivan. I could rent a car when we reached our stop but it made more sense to disregard my needs and trade for a car that fit the current life situation. Yes, I was willing to compromise my needs for his but at a cost to me and my comfort level.
Lesson #2 – When you give up something you love for the comfort of another, you should not replace it with something ‘good enough’ or something you are unhappy with.
I felt I had no choice but to do this, but the lesson for me was I mattered just as much, probably more, and there would be other ways to make him comfortable with what we had to drive. The expense and stress of these 2 lessons alone were pushing me further and further away from myself. I just didn’t realize that yet.
We finally settled on an RV and I had a bad feeling about it, even when the Angelic Realm was guiding me to proceed with the purchase. I chalked it off to my fear of being able to drive ‘Big Bertha’ and tow a big car behind it. Was my discomfort more than just a subtle and not so subtle fear or was it more than that? Turns out, it was the latter.
I lost a lot of sleep over the deal. I worried I would not be able to get us safely on our trip but I was determined to put my loved ones happiness above my own. So I did it. And instantly regretted it. I had to process my anger at myself for not putting my needs first. I had to forgive myself and trust this was happening for a reason that would be revealed when the time was right. I had to forgive a lot of things not worth rehashing here.
Lesson #3 – Sometimes we are meant to make mistakes in order for us to learn faster and to clear old behaviors out in a way nothing else could. In the end, it was all ok, but I had a lot of work to do processing through it.
After much drama and trauma, we finally got on the road. I managed to drive Big Bertha quite easily. Towing the car was not an issue. I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Then, about an hour out I realized in my push to get us loaded up, hooked up and out the gate, I never went back in and grabbed my purse and items I needed. I had to turn us around and head home. False start!
By the time we got back home it was too late to leave again, and we pushed the trip back a few days because a sudden barometric pressure drop from a massive electrical storm gave both of us a massive multi-day migraine. At least I was being kind to myself not forcing a drive when I was not up to it.
Something was stopping us from travel
A week later, we are good to try again. We’d had the storm move past us and while I expected some rain on the first leg of the trip I was not expecting strong winds and pelting rains. We had to stop for the night hours shy of where I had planned because of the storm. The rains never let up, a tornado had touched down north of us right about where we would have been stopped for the night had original plans gone through.
The next morning, determined to continue on, my loved one decided he needed to prove his worth and put himself in a position where he hurt himself badly. A quick check in with the Angelic Realm indicated the trip was over before it began. We turned around, headed home. Once I got us unhooked and the RV parked, I had to drive him to the ER for a CT Scan on doctors orders. Thankfully he was all clear but that was the end of the road trip.
The weather turned uglier and uglier, it was snowing in all the areas we had planned to go. The Angelic Realm made sure we were home safe and away from any potential danger. We would not be given the all clear to try again for a few weeks.
Lesson #4 – Even when you have love in your heart for someone else, and do what you can for them, above and beyond, you cannot forget that you matter just as much, if not more.
I recognized the patterns I was processing and releasing. I was aware of the blocks to angelic healing I was being forced to look at and work through. That didn’t make it any easier, like I said, being human still manages to make a mess of things, no matter how good intentions may be.
We are all works in progress. We are required to learn in order to grow. If you choose not to, you stay stuck. You repeat patterns, like getting in one bad relationship after another, or not feeling your worth so you keep taking jobs you hate. In healing work, sometimes to heal, one has to experience the symptoms again for them to work out of your light fields. It can be intense or it can be short and gone.
Some spiritual teachers will tell you that suffering is optional. Others say you must experience the discomfort in order to let it go completely and recognize it if it tries to come back and repeat. Regardless which thought you wish to follow, I believe suffering is just a sign you are out of balance with your awareness.
When things go wrong in your life, take the time to sit with why. Sit with what you are contributing to the situation to create that experience for you. The one who denies any culpability for their own experiences is ignoring the elephant in the room.
We always have a responsibility for our experiences. The work is in figuring out what it is, sometimes why it is happening, and gaining the insight into it so it can never hold power over you again.
I’d like to say this is a happy ending story
I suppose it is in a way. Alzheimer’s disease is so cruel, both to the afflicted and the caregiver. All too often, family lacks compassion or understanding to what we go through. It is always much easier for others to look at the surface of those of us who have taken on this challenge and think ‘oh they have it under control so I don’t have to worry about it’ but this mentality serves to push the afflicted and caregiver deeper into an isolation that will be difficult to come out of.
I realized this when I began having chest pains and thought I may not survive this caregiver stint after all. What will happen to him if I die before him? How will he manage? Will his kids put him in a home and forget about him? Will I become a lost memory after 33 years of marriage? Did our lives together have no meaning if all is forgotten?
I sought Angelic Realm assistance for the chest pains. I knew my heart was broken into pieces, I could see that with my medical intuitive eyes. Just days before I went through a traumatic emotional trauma with my loved one, who once again trying to prove his worth but hurt himself enough to need stitches. He refused medical care so I patched him up as best as I could. He was defiant. There was no talking him out of it and it became clear we were facing the next level of decline into the abyss of this disease.
My heart energetically broke
I felt the pain of realization this was getting worse for both of us and more to the point, how imperative it is to put myself first.
I was not loving myself enough. I had a melt down. I was unfit for human exposure for all of last week.
It is why I didn’t write last weeks blog. I had nothing to say because I needed to figure out who I am when I am not putting myself last. I was struck with how lost I actually was in knowing what I want and need. I know how to help my family, my clients, my friends and my pets, but me? I had no clue where to start finding myself again.
I have been able to regain my clarity and pull myself out of the darkness that enveloped me for a week. Tears would not stop flowing. I knew I was releasing a lot of pent up emotional sludge I have had to swallow for a very long time in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get through each day.
My work with clients is a saving grace. It helps me stay connected to the Angelic Realm that sustains and lifts me. I also recognized things had to change fast and I was the only one who could do that.
I had lost who I am in this maze of care giving
I could feel my light dimming, both physically and etherically. I was missing the joyful moments when the Angels would dance for me or bring me a reason to smile. I was buried in putting everyone else first.
I had forgotten that I matter
True to form, once I connected the dots, the Angelic Realm validated this truth. A few nights ago we had a sudden hail storm. By time I could grab my camera it was dying down, but I was able to capture 2 dancing orbs.
Orbs are angelic beings of light. They show up in photographs and videos and especially surround you when you play uplifting music. Try it sometime. Put on some soothing or happy music, something that touches your soul and take random photos around you. They are so beautiful and amazing to capture on film.
I’ve added my video capture, look for the blue/green dancing lights. I was going to turn the camera off after the first one but they told me to pan right, and you’ll see the second one dance into frame.
Life dances all around for you to see when you open your eyes
Yesterday, as I was doing yard work, I had 2 faeries bless me with their presence. The first one was just for me. The second one flew around me and my friend who was helping me. She exclaimed “What was that?” I laughed and said “Notice how it just appeared and disappeared”. Yes, she said. “That was a faerie.” Earlier 2 orange dragonflies flew around me to say hello. All of this was validation I mattered, that I was needed to take better care of myself.
One of my colleagues has been urging me to write a book about my experiences with the elemental world and the angels. I laugh it off because for me, it is just normal for me to have these sorts of magical interactions. It borders on disbelief and ridicule from those who fear anything they haven’t been taught by school, parents or religion. For me, it is all intertwined. I don’t judge it, I simply allow it. I know that anything that comes to me is of light and grace and is here to help me or teach me.
Perhaps someday I will share some of my stories, or perhaps not. One thing I know for sure, if the Angels want you to know about it, they’ll have me write it. Until then, let me leave with the final lesson I learned through all of this disruptive energy.
Lesson # 5 – Nothing happens by accident. I am supposed to have this RV, for now it is not for travel, but I know the Angels will show me when I need to know. Second, I needed to have the heart break in order to get me to pay attention. My angelic 2 x 4 is what has to happen sometimes when I am not paying close enough attention. Third, I will not forget to put myself first anymore. I will not allow circumstances or other peoples needs violate my own needs.
Boundaries are important
From now on, instead of asking ‘how’ to help someone else in need, I will begin by asking if it is how I can best serve them without losing myself in the process.
Finally, I will remember that I matter and without me able to stand here whole, present and healthy, I serve no one.
I will remember that nothing matters except my relationship with God
If you are struggling with the stress and strain of care giving overload, please reach out for help. Were it not for my dear friends who saw me drowning last week and throwing me a life line, I might still be flailing.
I have the blessing of having access to the Master Healing Angels, so if you need some healing work done through them, reach out to me. If you are overwhelmed by your life, or circumstances that seem unbearable, know there is help through the Angelic Realm.
Trust in your higher power to find your way to them. If that means through me or directly through your own prayers, I don’t care, just don’t give up on yourself. I know, without a doubt, we were not put on this earth to live life in fear, subjugation or perpetual suffering.
My prayer for you is that you find peace and the courage and strength to fight your way back to the light of truth. Truth that is all about Love. Love yourself first, not in a narcissistic way, but in an open hearted “I matter too” love that can only spread from you, not take from you.
When you find love this way, nature responds in kind. Like sending you faeries, orbs and dragonflies.